Yes people, it's my last day as a teenager and it's quite scary to be honest! The symbolic value of turning twenty is huge to me right now: scared, proud, expectant, regretful, glad and fragile. (I can't remember last time I felt small and fragile.....)
Tomorrow morning my family's coming at 7:15am to drink hot chocolate and eat a nice breakfast - like we've always done. [samhørighed] I don't really expect much from my birthday as it's never been a huge deal to us and as always, I know some of what my parents are getting me already.. I like predictability to an extent. It's secure, safe. hmm..
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I've started to shun beauty: sunsets, forests and the like. It's because these beautiful scenes remind me that I'm part of a great love story, but I've felt it so many times and let myself down an equal number of times. One could say that I've broken my own heart by disappointing myself so now I flee the memory, the heartache. 'Cos that's what beauty 'provokes' in me: a heart-sigh to go with God's heart-sigh.
I have a constant nagging feeling of guilt because I ought to be much more than I am: I ought to be a 'safety' for those who are insecure, a father to those who need a father, one who saves the world around him - I ought to be a hero but I'm not.. it's tough being a guy.
I know, I know: there's no condemnation and in Christ I can do anything, and I do believe it. I do believe it..
I pass a landmark, I pass a checkpoint
confirming my stridings so far
It's a time to re-assess and re-address
to re-define and re-align
my life and direction
my purpose and intention
and gather my heart back up.
It's time to decide what a man
I will be for the rest of my time.
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